Ninety-nine percent of your customers will leave happy—if you are doing your job right, that is. Like good sex, the interaction leaves both parties feeling satisfied and happy. But then there is the other one-percenters. The ones that wouldn’t be happy even if you wiped their ass with golden toilet paper. We have all had them and were very often completely surprised when we encountered them for the first time, because there isn’t one customer service training program out there that can or does fully prepare you for the asshole customer. So, let my hard-earned wisdom give you a little help with how to deal with these dreaded difficult customers:
- Always keep eye contact; you want to win that contest.
- Nod as if you understand their unreasonable behavior and requests.
- Happily, refer them to your supervisor, who hopefully will not tell them anything different than you have—if he does, either he is a spineless jackass, or you suck at your job.
- Better yet, refer them to your co-worker and promptly take a bathroom break.
- Listen attentively to their ramblings.
- Utter the occasional “I understand how you feel and am sorry you feel that way.” (Even though you know there is not a damn thing you can do about the weather.)
- Bite the inside of your cheek until you taste the blood trickle down your throat. When you taste that metal laden flavor, stop—they aren’t worth it.
- Always have sturdy pens available that can withstand the pressure of your grip.
- Know how to call emergency services—for yourself or for them.
- Just like when a woman is in labor, have a plan. Identify an object to focus on until this painful interaction is over with; find your happy place.
- Take their name and number and tell them you will call them right back—absolutely do so, but only after you have an answer and a plan
- Only apologize if it is sincere and you can add, “let me fix that for you.” Nothing will piss off an already angry customer like an insincere apology, followed by “There is nothing I can do to help.”
- Closely monitor the bitch running around in your mind; she keeps a file tucked in her pants for special occasions and will pick the lock of decency and professionalism the first chance she gets. Unfortunately, her idea and your boss’s idea of when her presence is appropriate and appreciated may be different.
- Keep your bitch meter fine-tuned and in proper working order. If you think you hear a strange noise coming from it, ask for a second opinion before proceeding with any verbal or written communication. (It is imperative that you find a valid and talented bitch meter buddy for this purpose.)
- Practice sarcasm with a smile. You know you have perfected your craft when you can call someone an asshole and they thank you for it.
- Fight sarcasm with humor and small talk. Like my dear friend Betty once said, “It’s hard to slap a grinning man.” It’s even harder to stay mad at someone when a common thread has been established or a laugh has been shared.
What are your tips for dealing with difficult customers? Share them below!