Things I Will Not Do for any customer. Long, long ago I once naively said I would do anything for a customer as long as they paid me for it, and the request was legal and moral. After forty jaded year in customer service, I could choke on those words. I learned that while those boundaries mattered to me, they didn’t always matter to my customers. You ever have that customer who wanted you to do something for them that you wouldn’t do for anyone else on the planet? I don’t know why I’m actually asking that question, because of course you have.
Here is a sample of the things I would or will not do for any customer. (Lord knows this list is not all-inclusive.)
- I will not give you your room service order if you answer the door naked. (I will laugh when I see the size of what you think is my tip.)
- I will not lift your naked wet husband out of the bathtub. (This will not end well, as neither myself nor my team has been trained in convalescent care. We may both end up in the tub. I will call an ambulance to assist.)
- I will not give you access to my security camera footage to spy on your girlfriend at the bar. (Not only will I not do that, you run the risk of me telling said girlfriend what you asked me to do.)
- I will not let you go see a room unaccompanied. (My hotel room is not your assured-to-be-clean public restroom.)
- I will not babysit your children in the lobby. (If you are not interested in watching your little angels, what makes you think I am? I will promptly and always send them back to your room.)
- I will not suffer your bad mood. (Your poor planning or life choices are not my problem—I just may make your bad day worse.)
- I will not allow you and five of your closest friends to play a drunken game of full contact football in my hallway. (I will use my very best Catholic mom guilt-laden speech to scold and embarrass six grown-ass men.)
- I will not refund part of your night’s stay after you have spent an hour in your room with your girlfriend. (I will provide turn down service and leave those little mints on your pillow, so be a prince and pay for and stay the whole night.)
- I will not let you taste everything on the menu for free until you find something you like. (I will charge you for all that you order, as, “I don’t like that” is not a valid reason to not pay for your meal. If you want a taste of everything, go to an ice cream shop.)
- I will not allow you or your kids to bang on the fifteen-thousand-dollar baby grand piano in the lobby. (I do not wear noise cancelling earbuds to work. I will tell your untalented oblivious-to-painfully-annoying-sounds ass(es) to stop.)
- I will not clean up after your furry family member when they shit on my lobby floor. (And don’t try and tell me that he is a service dog. I will gladly provide you with paper towels, cleaning rags, disinfectant spray and a smile.)
- I will not marginalize my team, myself or my integrity to make you feel better. (I will value them and myself as much as I value your business.)
What crazy customer requests have you received and refused to do? I’d love to read them below or visit me at my facebook page @tammymayhew,author.