Tag: customerhumor

Customer Service Stupidity, Theirs or Ours?

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I vote theirs. First let me shout out to all my fellow service warriors for all you do. Go to my blog post “They” to know how much I appreciate your jobs’ rewards and frustrations. It never ceased to amaze me how stupid some customers thought we Service Warriors were. That is what one could only assume for the requests and demands that we received on a regular basis in all genres of customer service, from some of our well healed, valued customers. These errant questions lead to the all to familiar awkward smile and brief silence while we garnered the energy and strategy necessary to diffuse and redirect our deceiving demanding guest.

  • Using their friends credit card for a purchase and have no ID.
    • Who travels without any form of ID.
  • Telling me the unleashed dog that just shit on my carpet is a well-trained service animal.
    • Throws a fit when we charge them the pet fee and hand them a rag and cleaning fluid.
  • The old man who thinks I will comply when he requests that only a female team member deliver his room service.
    • This just happened for the umpteenth time last week and when our male delivery team member knocked on the door the man was only wearing loose pajama pants held up by his hand. We all know what would have happened next.
  • Assuring us that because they paid for a room, they can treat our team any way they want.
    • You paid for a room not my integrity and self-respect.
  • That they have travelled all over the world and never had an incidental hold on their credit card.
    • By whole world you mean towns small enough that the only thing to do there is leave?
  • That they eat out all the time and have never had a gratuity automatically added to a party of 8 or more.
    • Nice to know you treat your family to drive thru on a regular basis.
  • That we should not require a valid credit card at check in, because they are going to pay cash in the morning.
    • Oh hell no. Enough said.
  • That they have never paid more than $49.00 for a room ever.
    • Thank you for finally travelling since 1978 and I can direct you to a place that will fit your economic profile if you prefer.
  • Can’t we just finish paying for our wedding two months after?
    • As per the stories in my hilarious book, My Suite A$$!, available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble, you could be divorced by then.
  • Why are you asking for my ID, I turned 21 last year. (Acting insulted)
    • Well if you actually looked old enough to shave on a regular basis I wouldn’t, but you don’t.

My hospitable nature had its’ limits even though examples and levels of customer ignorance did not. For some tips on how to survive these ones, click here. Share with me below or on my facebook page @tammymayhewauthor, some of the requests from guests that you have had that just made you question, Really? or at the very least your sanity or career choice.

Survival Tips for Difficult (or Asshole) Customers

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Ninety-nine percent of your customers will leave happy—if you are doing your job right, that is. Like good sex, the interaction leaves both parties feeling satisfied and happy. But then there is the other one-percenters. The ones that wouldn’t be happy even if you wiped their ass with golden toilet paper. We have all had them and were very often completely surprised when we encountered them for the first time, because there isn’t one customer service training program out there that can or does fully prepare you for the asshole customer. So, let my hard-earned wisdom give you a little help with how to deal with these dreaded difficult customers:

  • Always keep eye contact; you want to win that contest.
  • Nod as if you understand their unreasonable behavior and requests.
  • Happily, refer them to your supervisor, who hopefully will not tell them anything different than you have—if he does, either he is a spineless jackass, or you suck at your job.
  • Better yet, refer them to your co-worker and promptly take a bathroom break.
  • Listen attentively to their ramblings.
  • Utter the occasional “I understand how you feel and am sorry you feel that way.” (Even though you know there is not a damn thing you can do about the weather.)
  • Bite the inside of your cheek until you taste the blood trickle down your throat. When you taste that metal laden flavor, stop—they aren’t worth it.
  • Always have sturdy pens available that can withstand the pressure of your grip.
  • Know how to call emergency services—for yourself or for them.
  • Just like when a woman is in labor, have a plan. Identify an object to focus on until this painful interaction is over with; find your happy place.
  • Take their name and number and tell them you will call them right back—absolutely do so, but only after you have an answer and a plan
  • Only apologize if it is sincere and you can add, “let me fix that for you.” Nothing will piss off an already angry customer like an insincere apology, followed by “There is nothing I can do to help.”
  • Closely monitor the bitch running around in your mind; she keeps a file tucked in her pants for special occasions and will pick the lock of decency and professionalism the first chance she gets. Unfortunately, her idea and your boss’s idea of when her presence is appropriate and appreciated may be different.
  • Keep your bitch meter fine-tuned and in proper working order. If you think you hear a strange noise coming from it, ask for a second opinion before proceeding with any verbal or written communication. (It is imperative that you find a valid and talented bitch meter buddy for this purpose.)
  • Practice sarcasm with a smile. You know you have perfected your craft when you can call someone an asshole and they thank you for it.
  • Fight sarcasm with humor and small talk. Like my dear friend Betty once said, “It’s hard to slap a grinning man.” It’s even harder to stay mad at someone when a common thread has been established or a laugh has been shared.

What are your tips for dealing with difficult customers? Share them below!

Things I Will Not Do

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Things I Will Not Do for any customer. Long, long ago I once naively said I would do anything for a customer as long as they paid me for it, and the request was legal and moral. After forty jaded year in customer service, I could choke on those words. I learned that while those boundaries mattered to me, they didn’t always matter to my customers. You ever have that customer who wanted you to do something for them that you wouldn’t do for anyone else on the planet? I don’t know why I’m actually asking that question, because of course you have.

Here is a sample of the things I would or will not do for any customer. (Lord knows this list is not all-inclusive.) 

  • I will not give you your room service order if you answer the door naked. (I will laugh when I see the size of what you think is my tip.)
  • I will not lift your naked wet husband out of the bathtub. (This will not end well, as neither myself nor my team has been trained in convalescent care. We may both end up in the tub. I will call an ambulance to assist.)
  • I will not give you access to my security camera footage to spy on your girlfriend at the bar. (Not only will I not do that, you run the risk of me telling said girlfriend what you asked me to do.)
  • I will not let you go see a room unaccompanied.  (My hotel room is not your assured-to-be-clean public restroom.)
  • I will not babysit your children in the lobby. (If you are not interested in watching your little angels, what makes you think I am? I will promptly and always send them back to your room.)
  • I will not suffer your bad mood. (Your poor planning or life choices are not my problem—I just may make your bad day worse.)
  • I will not allow you and five of your closest friends to play a drunken game of full contact football in my hallway. (I will use my very best Catholic mom guilt-laden speech to scold and embarrass six grown-ass men.)
  • I will not refund part of your night’s stay after you have spent an hour in your room with your girlfriend.  (I will provide turn down service and leave those little mints on your pillow, so be a prince and pay for and stay the whole night.)
  • I will not let you taste everything on the menu for free until you find something you like. (I will charge you for all that you order, as, “I don’t like that” is not a valid reason to not pay for your meal. If you want a taste of everything, go to an ice cream shop.)
  • I will not allow you or your kids to bang on the fifteen-thousand-dollar baby grand piano in the lobby. (I do not wear noise cancelling earbuds to work. I will tell your untalented oblivious-to-painfully-annoying-sounds ass(es) to stop.)
  • I will not clean up after your furry family member when they shit on my lobby floor. (And don’t try and tell me that he is a service dog. I will gladly provide you with paper towels, cleaning rags, disinfectant spray and a smile.)
  • I will not marginalize my team, myself or my integrity to make you feel better. (I will value them and myself as much as I value your business.)

What crazy customer requests have you received and refused to do? I’d love to read them below or visit me at my facebook page @tammymayhew,author.